Future News: 2016's 1st Presidential Debate (Clinton vs. Trump)

note- I wrote this in 2012. It's fun being cynical, but not when you end up being right.

 

October 3rd 2016:

The 2016 election season is officially past its sell-by date as last night marked the first ever MTV Presents RealiVote Presidential Debate.

It was a disastrous success as only MTV can produce. A cross between The Super Bowl Halftime Show and a Jersey Shore Reunion, it had all the voter-information value of televised rhinoplasty. A surgical procedure that fortunately took up only a small portion of the night’s events when Lady Gaga interrupted candidate Trump’s drunken screed in favor of the deportation of Muslims to have a barely abmbulatory Ke$ha make the initial incisions of Gaga’s long threatened nose extension surgery right there on stage. Moderator P. Diddy cut them short though, throwing to commercial while security was called in to contain the blood.

The condescending manner in which the producers interspersed pre-taped candidate responses with well-known MTV personalities encapsulating the statements in simplified, “youth-speak,” seemed to resonate with the audience.

For instance, when Democratic hopeful Hilary Clinton responded to a question about healthcare with a considered if vague party line about government responsibility, MTV cut to a scene from the set for their hit reality show High School Bathroom, which never moves from a shot of bathroom stalls while you hear teenagers saying and doing horrible things to one another.

Main heartthrob Kevin entered the third stall, dropped his pants and while clearly taking a noisy dump, clarified Clinton’s statement, “Bitch thinks you should go to the doctor!” The rousing response from the crowd scored it as a small victory for the Clinton camp.

While neither candidate can declare last night’s piece of fluid-drenched political theater a complete success, both have plenty to build upon as they move forward. Donald Trump presents Donald Trump as Your Republican Candidate ™ won the crowd over with expensive pyrotechnics and his obvious rapport with moderator Diddy. Clinton won a lot of support from the crowd when Pink! challenged her to flaming shots and she got four in before vomiting.

 As with any MTV production the music was a relatively small portion of the event and secondary to the horrors on show.  But the Candidate Karaoke segment did manage to connect with those in attendance.

Trump moderately rocked his version of Free Bird while Former Secretary of State Clinton chose the dance option and brought out her husband, former president Bill Clinton, to join her in a dispiritingly sexual pantomime behind Kanye West’s live rendition of the diVinyls’ Touch Myself.  

MTV pulled in its highest numbers of the season for the debate and used it as a lead in to launch their new property Criminal, a fresh reality show that shows you the pressures and everyday concerns involved with being a remorseless killer.