Lucky The Tourist's "Worst Person In the World" Award

I have a problem.
It involves the fact that I suspect myself to be a semi-eloquent individual with abilities that at least lift me out of the, "super-chimpanzee," category. This suspicion makes it incredibly difficult to swallow when someone says something rude/condescending/insulting to me and, as a result of my equally prolific gift for blind rage, my higher brain functions are flooded with adrenaline, effectively overwhelming the dikes and levies of human reason and cognition, rendering me stiff and silent.
In moments where a more suave and disciplined person would be verbally removing the offending person's liver and handing it to them on a plate I shut down completely. The other extreme would be to actually attack and it is only the result of a vast infrastructure of fear and timidity that I do not physically tear into their flanks like a herd of feral pigs, all snorting screaming and biting. So, given the choice between ascension to the status of lacerating wit or regression to wild carnivorous swine; I stand there, merely seething.
But, as this problem comes up from time to time (not often enough to give me practice being sharper tongued but not so rare as to dismiss it completely) I have devised a plan; a set program of behavior I can deploy, in place of my stone-wall act, to fit any such situation.
I will have cards drawn up with balloons, confetti and maybe the image of a shooting star on them and, in big triumphant letters, it will say, "Worst Person In The World!"
That way when for instance, as happened today, someone says to myself and a friend after we've ordered coffee, "Just to help you out, should you ever be somewhere away from here and don't want to seem like bumpkins just off the turnip truck; it's pronounced, 'ESS-presso,' not ,'EK-spresso.' That's how it's spelled. Check it, it can be a little research project for you guys." we can shout, "HOORAYY!! Congratulations!!" and then, calling everyone's attention to this person, hand him the card inscribed with "Worst Person In The World!"
Even writing this incident out now, eight hours later, it makes me furious. I've spent the evening crafting cutting rejoinders like, since he was a rather rotund fellow, with a sagging uncomfortable gut and bloated face that spoke of a diet far too high in salt, "Thank you. And may I offer you some useful advice since you were so kind to help us. Not EVERYTHING needs gravy."
Or I could have said, "Oh thank you! And you know, since you've a mind for spelling, I was wondering if you could help me with a phrase I've been having trouble with." Then I'd take a pen and piece of paper and write, "condescending prick," and hand it to him.
Hind sight is 20/20, but good planning is the path of a wise man. So I think I'll go to Kinko's tomorrow and have those, "Worst Person In the World," cards prepared.